Aries -
You’re screwed, in what way all depends on you.
Taurus -
This week sees you make some new friends. Sure, they’re powered by batteries, but a friend’s a friend, right?
Gemini -
There’s evil taking over your body, we advise you to go to the clinic.
Cancer –
This week you spill hot tea all over your new carpet and it makes a nasty stain – not good since you’re so houseproud, Cancer! Don’t cry, though; we advise hot soapy water and some Vanish and your life will soon be back on track.
Leo-
This week you find yourself having to look for a new house, you soon find out who your friends were.
Virgo –
Virgo is known as ‘The Virgin’, but that certainly doesn’t apply to you, does it? No-one could say you’re shy, but know when to keep it on the down-low: a hissy fit you throw in Curry’s later this week lands you in hot water with the security guard.
Libra –
You find yourself in a compromising position this week and family ties are broken, just because he’s your cousin doesnt mean you should do it.
Scorpio –
Scorpio, you vibrant thing, this week you get recognised! I’m not going to divulge too much information but I will tell you that it happens in Morrisons and it’s your Mum – she just wants to ask you want you want for tea when you go home this weekend and if you can take your little brother to see that new Jackie Chan film.
Sagittarius -
You lose all your money this week and find yourself eating something you would rather not remember for dinner. Just remember to wipe your face.
Capricorn-
Your working life comes into the spotlight this week, possibly because you’ve not done any for quite a while. Try and impress your boss by making them a nice cup of tea and maybe throw in a few biscuits for good measure. If you’re not going to put in the graft then you may as well get that nose of yours nice and brown!
Aquarius -
You are looking rough, and you wonder why some animals eat their young. Go treat yourself , you look as though you need it.
Pisces –
Love is in the air for you this week for a change! Whilst on a walk in the park, a gang of stray cats takes a liking to you and follow you everywhere. Unfortunately, these cats are ridden with fleas and smell a little bit of wee. Never mind!
Disclaimer- These horoscopes are 100% ficticious and we will not be liable for any emotional breakdowns. xx
From Kirstie Penman and Yaz
