I have definitely discovered the true meaning of procrastination in the last few days, I pick a song, make a cup of tea, tidy my room, wash up (!) basically anything to stop me from staring at the blank word document in front of me. Now that I have found a place to type that allows me to drink, smoke, play music and be outside on this glorious day I suppose I have no excuses left! After the delights and disappointments of yesterday I woke with an eager anticipation to experience the second day of Alternative Fashion Week.

First up were the students of the Hackney Community College Art Department who presented their collection named ‘Telling Tales’. One thing I can say is that it was true to it’s brief of fantasy, painted paper, every color both un and imaginable and poof, lots of poof. It was the collage of a troubled child fashioned into not quite wearable garments, now don’t get me wrong I’m all for impractical fashion, I my self own shoes that are only wearable for 5 minutes before bone crushing pain arises but they are beautifully made which I’m afraid is more than I can say for this collection.

You’d think that a collaboration by four fashion graduates would be something more original and exciting than what was presented by 4.2morrow. Granted there were some jersey and leather paneled trousers that would slot nicely into my wardrobe but isn’t that kind of missing the point? I don’t want to see things I sort of have, I am craving something new not what Christopher Kane showed us last season. At least they gave me an alternative to black and white with their not so groundbreaking relationship of black and cream – urgh I am mean, I would never criticize Karl Lagerfeld for sending his bevy of beauties down the catwalk with an identical pallet!

Creatively Charlie Chambers genuinely wowed me with her denim sleeve skirt and patchwork harems, she even took double denim to a new yet wearable height. There was a little mishap in the middle when she decided that handkerchief hems were acceptable but that was quickly rectified by an adorable mint green floral playsuit with bloomer detail – not wearable by a girl with my thighs but would look adorable on leggy blonde walking to her next casting.

Stacey Richards’s choice of models gets a firm seal of approval, tattooed ladies with various hairstyles that took the attention away from her unfinished collection. Okay so the press release did mention that the garments were made to be ‘unfinished, disjointed and fragmented’ but I’m afraid all I saw was a missing leg here and unfinished seam there. There were however some silver almost muzzle nose pieces that caught my attention, they made me feel almost uncomfortable in the way they seemed to restrict breathing, it definitely gave merit to the opinion some that models should be clothes hangers, seen and not heard.

If you go into any number of charity shops you will find a plentiful supply of items created in that ribbed stretch lycra cotton mix material – you know the stuff I mean right? Was once white now a kind of soggy blurgh color? Well CoolTan Arts decided to not just base their collection on this delightful material but also use it as their key fabric. Confused? Yes I was too; luckily as the show went on less of this fabric was visible due to the addition of multicolored silk scarves then came something so shocking that their attempted tailoring was driven out of my mind. Ladies of, shall we say another generation sporting colors such as pink, green and blue in their hair shimmied down the runway – literally. You could say the collection was being worn by it target audience, those hippy types who own only eco friendly shoes and have a super happy, colourful and positive outlook on life, to be brunt the polar opposite of me.

I’m afraid it could be difficult for me to write more than a sentence on Prilly Lewis, she showed buttoned up coats in various muted tones. Now I understand that she used a unique blend of lambs wool and angora to create the material but no matter how sumptuous the material feels I’m not going to wear it if it’s ugly.

Thank goodness for Kimberly Startup, her collection could bring a smile to even the most jaded and botoxed fashion folk! Clashing colors that were unashamedly bright paraded in from of me bringing a classic toy box to life, that hoop-stacking game made the most wonderful padded dress I just wanted to hug the model sporting it! Okay so no Duplo but the runaway train shoulder detail, xylophone corset and building block bracelet more than made up for that. Oh and south of the ankles was a joy to behold, platform Mary Janes in candy colors with double layers socks – officially my new footwear fetish!

To be honest (am I ever anything but?) Tanya Smith’s Kew Garden inspired set of items looked a little Primark, the bright cheap materials and exposed zips distracted from what was otherwise a reasonable collection. There was a jumpsuit in a shape that I had never even considered and a perfect coral jacket with floral lapel that could easily be thrown with jeans to create a different but wearable shape.

Black leggings have no place on the catwalk but contrary my belief they were up there, oh boy were they up there, teamed with white and gold tacky strappy monstrosities that I presume were deemed by the same individual acceptable attire. The best thing I can say about Dorota Damian was that her collection we small and hence I was subjected to no more than 3 minutes of cheap, tacky ruffles and draping.

I believe to most that ‘ethical fashion’ implies itchy hemp dresses and ugly clunky shoes but Hayley Trezise has taken it up a notch with her beautifully intricate charity shop creations. No she hasn’t chopped some jeans and cut the neck of an old sweatshirt she used the items as material creating real life cheap couture. Heavily inspired by Comme des Garcon it seems with padded hips and birds’ nest hair it’s not my style but the craftsmanship that went into each item must be applauded.

Georgie Nash’s collection of nutcracker inspired pieces was intricate and over the top, just like a performance should be. I wasn’t convinced by the first look of nude playsuit with chiffon cape but then out stepped a magnificent fully beaded black coat with pearls and asymmetric shoulder detail, it was truly lust worthy. The collection had classic Chanel coloring, tailoring and validity, even the military jacket had pearl buttons instead badges of honor – I know which award I’d rather be presented with!

West Thames College designed what was apparently galactic holiday wear, well let me just say if that is out of space requires you to wear I will be sticking to my country cottage in Cornwall for the foreseeable future. Have a guess at the colors used, yes silver was defiantly the main competitor – its was like being back in the 70’s when people were predicting what we’d be wearing in the year 2000 and thought it was going to be all space suits and synthetic materials. Oh and for you information Kanye Shades are acceptable if you are a million miles away from earth it seems!

Just one more little, tiny thing before I leave you, it’s something that bothers me every time I see it and when it paraded around in front of me one cannot help but get a little pissed off. There was a major lack of attention to detail, now I understand that these people don’t have the budget or means to get hold of the most fantastic shoes but you’d think they’d at least manage to take the bloody price off the sole!